Dissertation Of A Roast Pig

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About Google Book Search Google's mission is to organize the world's information and to make it universally accessible and useful. Google Book Search helps readers discover the world's books while helping authors and publishers reach new audiences. You can search through the full text of this book on the web at |http: //books .google .com/I HARVARD COLLEGE LIBRARY A DISSERTATION UPON ROAST PIG BY CHARLES LAMB Illustrated by L J BrUgman BOSTON D LOTHROP COMPANY FRANKLIN AND HAWLEY STREETS ^- f Copyright, 1888 BY D. LOTHROP Company. UPON ROAST PIG Mankind, says a Chinese manuscript, which my friend M. was obliging enough to read and explain to me, for tlie first seventy thousand ages ate their meat raw, clawing or biting it from the living animal, just as they do in Abyssinia to this day. This period is not obscurely hinted at by their great Confucius in the second chapter of his Mundane Muta- tions, where he designates a kind of golden age by the term Cho-fang, literally the Cooks' holiday. The manuscript goes on to say, that the art of roasting, or rather broiling UPON JWAS2' PIG. (which I take to be the elder brother) was acci- dentally discovered in the manner following: The swineherd, Ho-ti, having gone out in the woods one morning, as his manner was, to col- lect masts for his hogs, left his cottage in the care of his eldest son Bo-bo, a great lubberly boy, who being fond of playing with fire, as younkers of his age commonly are, let some sparks escape into a bundle of straw, which kindling quickly, spread the conflagration over every part of their poor mansion, till it was reduced to ashes. Together with the cottage, (a sorry antediluvian makeshift of a building, you may think it), what was ojf much more importance, a fine litter of new-farrowed pigs, no less than nine in number, perished. China pigs had been esteemed a luxury all over the UPON ROAST FIG, East, from the remotest periods that we read of. Bo-bo was m the utmost ceft^^ternatTorr, as you may think, not so much for the sake of the t encm cht, which his father and he could easily build up again with a few dry branches, and the labour of an hour or two, at any time, as for the loss of the pigs. While he was thinking what he should say to his father, and wringing his hands over the smoking rem- nants of one of those untimely sufferers, an odour assailed his nostrils, unlike any scent which he had before experienced. What could it proceed from 1 — not from the burnt cottas^e — he had smelt that smell before — in- deed this was by no means the first accident of the kind which had occured through the negli- gence of this unlucky young firebrand. Much UPON ROAST PIG. less did it resemble that of any known herb, weed, or flower. A premoni t ory moistening at the same time overflowed his nether - hp. He knew not what to think. He next stooped down to feel the pig, if there were any signs of life in it. He burnt his fingers, and to cool them he applied them in his booby fashion to his mouth. Some of the crumbs of the scorched skin had come away with his fingers, and for the first time in his life (in the world's life indeed, for before him no man had known it) he tasted — cracklmg ! Again he felt and fumbled at the pig. It did not burn him so much now, still he licked his finger from a sort of habit. The truth at length broke into his slow understandmg, that it was the pig that smelt so, and the pig that tasted so deli- . -aj UPON ROAST PJG. cious ; and surrendering himself up to the new- born pleasure, he fell to tearing up whole handfuls of the scorched skin with the flesh next it, and was cramming it down his throat in his beastly rashion, when his SH=e entered amid the smokinQ^ rafters, armed with retribu- tory cudgel, and finding how affairs stood, began to rain blows upon the young rogue's shoulders, as thick as hailstones, which Bo-bo heeded not any more than if they had been flies. The tickling pleasure which he experi- enced in his lower regions, had rendered him quite callous to any inconveniences he might feel in those remote quarters. His father might lay on, but he could not beat him from his pig, till he had fairly made an end of it, whjn, becoming a little more sensible of his UPON ROAST FIG, situation, something like the following dia-^ logue ensued : " You graceless whelp, what have you got there devouring ? Is it not enough that you have burnt me down three houses with your dogs tricks, and be hanged to you, but you must be eating fire, and I know not what — what have you got there, I say ? " " O father, the pig, the pig ! do come and taste how nice the burnt pig eats." The ears of Ho-ti tingled with horror He cursed his son, and he cursed himself that ever he should beget a son that should eat burnt pig. Bo-bo, whose scent was wonderfully sharp ened since morning, soon raked out another pig, and fairly^-^nding it a^iVdter, thrust the lesser half by flftain force into the fists of Ho-ti. UPON ROASl' PIG. still shouting out, " Eat, eat, eat the burnt pig, father, only taste — Ofc&rd^' — with such-like barbarous ejaculations, cramming all the while as if he would choke. Ho-ti trembled/ievery joint while he grasped r ■,^c u - ' ' ' ' * . the abominable things^ waverings 'whether he should not put his son to death for'an unnatu- ral young monster, when the crackling scorch- ing- his fingers, as it had done his son's, and applying the same remedy to them, he in his turn tasted some of its flavour, which, make what sour mouths he would for a pretence, proved not altogether displeasing to him. In conclusion (for the manuscript here is a little tedious) both father and son fairly sat down to the mess, and never left off till they had des- patched all that remained of the h'tter. UPON ROAST PIG. Bo-bo was strictly €4i}oi»€«- not to let the secret escape, for the neighbors would cer- tainly have stoned them for a couple of abom- inable wretches, who could think of improving upon the good meat which God had sent them. Nevertheless, strange stories got about. It was observed that Ho-ti's cottage was burnt down now more frequently than ever. Noth- ing but fires from this time forward. Some would break out in broad day, others in the night-time. As often as the sow farrowed, so sure was the house of Ho-ti to be in a blaze ; and Ho-ti himself, which was the more remarkable, instead of chastising his son, seemed to grow more indulgent to him than ever. At length they were watched, the ter- rible mystery discovered, and father and son UPON ROAST PIG, summoned to take their trial at Pekin, than an inconsiderable assize, town. Evidence was given, the obnoxious food itself produced in court, and verdict about to be pronounced, when the foreman of the jury begged that some of the burnt pig, of which the culprits stood accused, might be handed into the box. He handled it, and they all handled it, and burning their fingers, as Bo-bo and his father had done before them, and nature prompting to each of them the same remedy, against the face of all the facts, and the clearest charge which judge had ever given, — to the surprise of the whole court, townsfolk, strangers, reporters, and all present — without leaving the box, or any manner of consultation whatever, they brought in a simultaneous verdict of Not Guilty. UPON ROAST FIG, The judge, who was a shrewd fellow, winked at the mam£esLmK|WHt)cof the decision ; and, when the court was dismissed, went privily, and bought up all the pigs that could be had for love or money. In a few days his Lord- ship's town house was observed to be on fire. The thing took wing, and now there was nothing to be seen but fires in every direction. Fuel and pigs grew enormously dear all over the district. The insurance offices one and all shut up shop. People built slighter and slighter every day, until it was feared that the very science of architecture would in no long time be lost to the world. Thus this custom of firing houses continued, till in process of time, says my manuscript, a sage arose, like our Locke, who made a discovery, that the UPON ROAST PIG. flesh of swine, or indeed of any other animal, might be cooked {burnty as they call it) with- out the necessity of consuming a whole house to dress it. Then first began the rude form of a gridiron. Roasting by the string, or spit, came in a century or two later, I forget in whose dynasty. By such slow degrees, con- cludes the manuscript, do the most useful, and seemingly the most obvious arts, make their way among mankind. Without placing too implicit faith in the account above given, it must be agreed, that if a worthy pretext for so dangerous an experiment as -setting houses on fire (especially J n these days) could be assigned in favour of any culi- nary object, that pretext and excuse might be found in roast pig. UPON ROAST FIG, Of all the delicacies in the whole mundus edibilis, I will mantain it to be the most deli- cate — princeps obsoniorum. I speak not of your grown porkers — things between pig and pork — those hobbydehoys — but a young and tender suckling — under a moon old — guiltless as yet of the sty — with no original speck of the amor immunditice, the hereditary failing of the first parent, yet mani- fest — his voice as yet not broken, but some- thing between a childish treble, and a grumble — the mild forerunner, or prcsludium, of a grunt. He must be roasted, I am not ignorant that our ancestors ate them seethed, or boiled — but what a sacrifice of the exterior tegument ! There is no flavour comparable, I will con- UFON ROAST PIG, tend, to that of the crisp, tawny, well-watched, not over-roa.'^ted, cracklings as it is well called — the very teeth are invited to their share of the pleasure at this banquet in overcoming the coy, brittle resistance — with the adhesive oleaginous — O call it not fat — but an indefi- able sweetness growing up to it — the tender blossoming of fat — fat cropped in the bud — taken in the shoot — in the first innocence — the cream and quintessence of the child-pig*s yet pure food — the lean, no lean, but a kind of animal manna — or, rather, fat and lean (if it must be so) so blended and running into each other, that both together make but one ambrosian result, or common substance. Behold him, while he is doing — it seemeth rather a refreshing warmth, then a scorching UPON ROAST FIG. heat, that he is so passive to. How equably he twirleth round the string! — Now he is just done. To see the extreme sensibility of that tender age, he hath wept out his pretty eyes — radiant jellies — shooting stars — See him in the dish, his second cradle, how meek he lieth ! — wouldst thou have had this innocent grow up to the grossness and indo- cility which too often accompany maturer swinehood? Ten to one he would have proved a glutton, a sloven, an obstinate, disa- greeable animal — wallowing in all manner of filthy conversation — from these sins he is happily snatched away — Ere sin could blight, or sorrow fade, Death came with timely care — J ^% 1^ ^fciPf/^Hfeff"^ E JUDGE SPECULATKTH. UPON ROAST FIG. his memory is odoriferous — no clown curseth, while his stomach half rejecteth, the rank bacon — no coalheaver bolteth him in reeking sausages — he hath a fair sepulchre in the grateful stomach of the judicious epicure — and for such a tomb might be content to die. He is the best of sapors. Pineapple is great. She is indeed almost too transcendent — a delight, if not sinful, yet so like to sin- ning, that really a tender-conscienced person would do well to pause — too ravishing for mortal taste, she woundeth and excoriateth the lips that approach her — like lover's kisses, she biteth — she is a pleasure bordering on pain from the fierceness and insanity of her relish — but she stoppeth at the palate — she med- dleth not with the appetite — and the coarsest UPON ROAST PIG, hunger might barter her consistently for a mutton chop. Pig — let me speak his praise — is no less provocative of the appetite, than he is satisfac- tory to the criticalness of the censorious palate. The strong man may batten on him, and the weakling refuseth not his mild juices. Unlike to mankind's mixed characters, a bundle of virtues and vices, inexplicably inter- twisted, and not to be unravelled without haz- ard, he is — good throughput. No part of him is better or worse than another. He help- eth, as far as his little means extend, all around. He is the least envious of banquets. He is all neighbors' fare. I am one of those, who freely and ungrudg- ingly impart a share of the good things of this UPON ROAST FIG. life which fall to their lot (few as mine are in this kind) to a friend. I protest I take as great an interest in my friend's pleasures, his relishes, and proper satisfactions, as in mine own. " Presents," I often say, " endear Ab- sents." Hares, pheasants, partridges, snipes, barn-door chickens (those " tame villatic fowl ''), capons, plovers, brawn, barrels of oysters, I dis- pense as freely as I receive them. I love to taste them, as it were, upon the tongue of my friend. But a stop must be put somewhere. One would not, like Lear, " give everything." I make my stand upon pig. Methinks it is an ingratitude to the Giver of all good flavours, to extra-domiciliate, or send out of the house, slightingly (under pretext of friendship, or I know not what), a blessing so particularly UPON ROAST PIG. adapted, predestined, I may say, to my individ- ual palate — It argues an insensibility. I remember a touch of conscience in this kind at school. My good old aunt, who never parted from me at the end of a holiday with- out stuffing a sweetmeat, or some nice thing, into my pocket, had dismissed me one evening with a smoking plum-cake, fresh from the oven. In my way to school (it was over Lon- don Bridge) a gray-headed old beggar saluted me (I have no doubt at this time of day that he was a counterfeit). I had no pence to con- sole him with, and in the vanity of self-denial, and the very coxcombry of charity, schoolboy- like, I made him a present of — the whole cake ! I walked on a little, buoyed up, as one is on such occasions, with a sweet soothing of UPON ROAST PIG, self-satisfaction ; but before I had got to the end of the bridge, my better feelings returned, and I burst into tears, thinking how ungrateful I had been to my good aunt, to go and give her good gift away to a stranger, that I had never seen before, and who might be a bad man for aught I knew ; and then I thought of the pleasure my aunt would be taking in think- ing that I — I myself, and not another — would eat her nice cake — and what should I say to her the next time I saw her — how naughty I was to part with her pretty present — and the odour of that spicy cake came back upon my recollection, and the pleasure and the curiosity I had taken in seeing her make it, and her joy when she sent it to the oven, and how disap- pointed she would feel that I had never had a UPON ROAST PIG. bit of it in my mouth at last — and I blamed my impertinent spirit of almsgiving, and out- of-place hypocrisy of goodness, and above all I wished never to see the face again of that in- siduous, good-for-nothing, old gray impostor. Our ancestors were nice in their method of sacrificing these tender victims. We read of pigs whipt to death with something of a shock, as we hear of any other obsolete custom. The age of discipline is gone by, or it would be curious to inquire (in a philosophical light merely) what effect this process might have towards intenerating and dulcifying a sub- stance, naturally so mild and dulcet as the flesh of young pigs. It looks like refining a violet. Yet we should be cautious, while we condemn the inhumanity, how we censure the UrON BOAST PIG. wisdom of the practice. It might impart a gusto — I remember an hypothesis, argued upon by the young students, when 1 was at St. Omer s, and maintained with much learning and pleas- antry on both sides, "Whether, supposing that the flavor of a pig who obtained his death by vj\\\Y>^\ng {per Jlagellationem extremam) super- added a pleasure upon the palate of a man more intense than any possible suffering we can conceive in the animal, is man justified in using that method of putting the animal to death } " I forget the decision. His sauce should be considered. Decidedly, a few bread crumbs, done up with his liver and brains, and a dash of mild sage. But, banish, dear Mrs. Cook, I beseech you, the whole UPON ROAST FIG, onion tribe. Barbecue your whole hogs to your palate, steep them in shalots, stuff them out with plantations of the rank and guilty garlic; you cannot poison them, or make them stronger than they are — but consider, he is a weakh'ng — a flower. ♦■ ^ This book sbould be returned to the Library on or before the last date stamped below. A fine of Ave cents a day is incurred by retainiug it beyond the apeoifled time. Fleasa retom promptly. ,)HN1B"64H ' OCTIIW

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